So I recently played the new game Dante's Inferno, which spent alot of money on advertising, which was a poor decision, having released the game right around Bioshock 2 and Final Fantasy XIII (reviews coming when i get a bleeding job). But when you have some spare time, you might want to play it. Might.
The game's commercial (and namesake) would lead you to believe that the story would be deep, complex, and you would be thrusts into a world of beauty and madness. This is not what happens at all. What is included for a story is very quickly overpowered by the game's immense violence. Many people have called it a God of War clone, and I can sett where they are coming from, but as a gamer I have often thought to myself "i want to play something like this, but not this, so the occasional clone has always been welcome by me, as long as it can deliver the same gameplay and isn't terrible. The action is very similar and the story is tolerable (probably very enjoyable, if you haven't actually read the epic)
In the game, you play (surprise) Dante, who literally bashes open the gates of hell in order to seek his beloved, who lost her soul in history's most retarded wager. The major flaw of the storyline is that it becomes apparant very early on that you aren't sure you WANT to root for Dante, as brief looks into his life, and watching how he deals with every situation, well, Dante is sort of a dick. I found myself struggling to find a reason that he deserved to suceed, but I couldn't find one. The gameplay, however, will help you forget that, especially the boss battles.
The bosses are large, gruesome, and intense. While it uses a strategy i never truly cared for (having you hit buttons as they appear) to finish off each boss, I can't argue with the terribly entertaining and gratuitous results. while it is gruesome, gory, and damn near tasteless, it works, because of one reason: You are in hell. This is the one place where it is 100 percent tolerable to use begging human bodies as a ladder.
Will Dante's Inferno change the way we view video games forever? No. Will it keep you entertained after you beat all your copies of God of War? Probably. Will you see a giant pagan goddess pulling unborn children out of her tongue nipples and sending them to kill you? Definately. (This actually happens. There is also an achievement that's goal states: You Have Killed 20 Unborn Children take that as what you will.)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tony Reviews Stuff- TV Show- Reaper
so you just turned 23, life is good, you just got a new car, you saved your crush's life, oh, and your parents sold your soul to the FUCKING DEVIL. This is Sam Oliver's situation in the hilarious series Reaper. Sam and his incomptent buddies must capture escaped souls from hell in order to fufill Sam's contract. The series is immensly entertaining and Patton Oswald was in an episode so you can imagine the sort of jokes that constantly appear.
The plot is riveting and easy to follow, when a twist does appear, you aren't that surprised because it does manage to forshadow like this: HEY! HEY! SOMETHING IS HAPPENIG! PUT DOWN THE FREAKIN CHIPS ASSHOLE, IM FORESHADOWING AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT! Not the most subtle, but the character with the second most air time is named "sock," so, yeah. The devil himself is a charming charismatic fellow, much like myself...was that me...no, no, I'd remember blowing that fat Reaper cash. But I digress.
Somehow, the three have a pretty decent success rate, and these souls have commited every foul deed from the humble act of serial muder, to arson, to the foul sin of COVETING (could you imagine...coveting...the bastard.) The show is light, entertaining, and will leave you laughing, plus I have it on good authority that if you don't watch it, you're going to hell....terrorist.
The plot is riveting and easy to follow, when a twist does appear, you aren't that surprised because it does manage to forshadow like this: HEY! HEY! SOMETHING IS HAPPENIG! PUT DOWN THE FREAKIN CHIPS ASSHOLE, IM FORESHADOWING AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT! Not the most subtle, but the character with the second most air time is named "sock," so, yeah. The devil himself is a charming charismatic fellow, much like myself...was that me...no, no, I'd remember blowing that fat Reaper cash. But I digress.
Somehow, the three have a pretty decent success rate, and these souls have commited every foul deed from the humble act of serial muder, to arson, to the foul sin of COVETING (could you imagine...coveting...the bastard.) The show is light, entertaining, and will leave you laughing, plus I have it on good authority that if you don't watch it, you're going to hell....terrorist.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tony Reviews Stuff-Movie-Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Sometimes people make parody movies that aren't just a collection of random pop culture references...and the wayans brothers. For those of you who didn't think Paul Blart was a parody, go watch die hard..go on....I'll wait...Didn't it blow your freakin mind!? the main character is an interesting choice since when we assume that bruce willis is a culmination of his movie characters we know that he is a near invincible gun expert who can kill an entire universe (provided that he doesn't have to drive or interact with anyone corporal since he was a ghost the entire time.) Doing the same to Kevin James reveals that he once pulled a thorn out of Adam Sandler's paw. (Note: I made this joke up mid movie anf got an extra chuckle during the credits when I learned that he produced the movie.) It takes alot of time to get to the action, but once it does, the resemblence to Die Hards is incredible, with comical exchanges (instead of being covered in blood, James gets stuck in a spray tan booth. and the guy who played Carl in Family matters is replaced by some italian guy.) While the twist wasn't taken from Die Hard, it was taken from Die Hard 2, so I'm counting it.
The plot revolves around Paul Blart (who would've guessed) a fat security guard with an amazing sense of duty/ When the mall is taken over by a terrorist like group seeking access codes. Blart is left alone and Segways his way to Justice! The movie itself isn't that funny unless you've seen Die Hard, but it's ok because you did during paragraph one (If you didn't, you cheated, and John Mclane is coming to kill you right now, and you won't be able to stop him, if Alan Rickman couldn't stop him, you don't stand a chance.)
This Messege Approved by Alan Rickman (I assume)
The plot revolves around Paul Blart (who would've guessed) a fat security guard with an amazing sense of duty/ When the mall is taken over by a terrorist like group seeking access codes. Blart is left alone and Segways his way to Justice! The movie itself isn't that funny unless you've seen Die Hard, but it's ok because you did during paragraph one (If you didn't, you cheated, and John Mclane is coming to kill you right now, and you won't be able to stop him, if Alan Rickman couldn't stop him, you don't stand a chance.)
This Messege Approved by Alan Rickman (I assume)
Tony Reviews Stuff- Pen and Paper- Pathfinder
So. Pathfinder. For those of you who don't know, pathfinder is a game developed by almost unheard of Paizo. It is basically a small company's response to the outcry over 4th edition (D&D, that is) having basically betrayed its loyal fan basis an peed on the relationship I though we had (Wizards, don't call me, its over between us.) But.. is it any good, or just some company trying to make a penny off of the disenfranchised 3.5 loyalists?
For those of you who want to speak up right now and say "4.0 isn't that bad." let me explain to you that you are wrong and the US constitution no longer applies to you, because if you love 4.0, you are not an americam, you are a terrorist, and I will not take advice from a terrorists (Timothy McVeigh once told me to buy a Game Gear, since then, it's been a 0 terrorist advice scale.) I will admit,3.5 had it's ploblems, mostly the problem where powergamers could create characters whose only pupose in life was to rape the innocent stories of the poor storyteller (you know, that guy who is God and who could easily kill any character for being too much of a dick..) but amazingly, pathfinder managed to address those problems without CHANGING EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT THE SYSTEM. I will use my life experience to explain what I mean. In my fourth year of college, I decided to change my major, I'd had some experience in criminal justice, but was pretty heavily involved as an English major. I am now in my sixth year of college, and while I still have all my english skills, I had to work hard to aquire all my new skills. According to 4.0 I Should've just filled out the declaration to change major, and then walked away happily with my degree in criminal justice, having completely forgotten who the hell Faulkner was.
3.5 also has a coherent setting that comes with the story, how coherent, well in one session, i referenced one thing in the setting, and Im fairly sure Joe Pierce is now planning my untimely demise. A story teller should always feel that the only reason his players don't outright slay him is that they are addicted to the story as your mother is snorting crack off of an old parisian sailors "mast."
The races are more balanced (something 4.0 didnt accomplish at all), the classes are more fun and feel much more different (rather than fighter feeling like a mage with alot of "sword spells") and the new setting makes me wonder why Paizo didn't do this years ago. Paizo buys me flowers where wizards of the coast used to get drunk,beat me, and tell me to go kill a mind flayer. They're unique approach to an old system leaves me feeling refreshed, and has restored my faith in all mankind. If paizo can save us from 4.0, maybe world peace is achievable, if you don't make the connection here, don't worry about it...Terrorist!
For those of you who want to speak up right now and say "4.0 isn't that bad." let me explain to you that you are wrong and the US constitution no longer applies to you, because if you love 4.0, you are not an americam, you are a terrorist, and I will not take advice from a terrorists (Timothy McVeigh once told me to buy a Game Gear, since then, it's been a 0 terrorist advice scale.) I will admit,3.5 had it's ploblems, mostly the problem where powergamers could create characters whose only pupose in life was to rape the innocent stories of the poor storyteller (you know, that guy who is God and who could easily kill any character for being too much of a dick..) but amazingly, pathfinder managed to address those problems without CHANGING EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT THE SYSTEM. I will use my life experience to explain what I mean. In my fourth year of college, I decided to change my major, I'd had some experience in criminal justice, but was pretty heavily involved as an English major. I am now in my sixth year of college, and while I still have all my english skills, I had to work hard to aquire all my new skills. According to 4.0 I Should've just filled out the declaration to change major, and then walked away happily with my degree in criminal justice, having completely forgotten who the hell Faulkner was.
3.5 also has a coherent setting that comes with the story, how coherent, well in one session, i referenced one thing in the setting, and Im fairly sure Joe Pierce is now planning my untimely demise. A story teller should always feel that the only reason his players don't outright slay him is that they are addicted to the story as your mother is snorting crack off of an old parisian sailors "mast."
The races are more balanced (something 4.0 didnt accomplish at all), the classes are more fun and feel much more different (rather than fighter feeling like a mage with alot of "sword spells") and the new setting makes me wonder why Paizo didn't do this years ago. Paizo buys me flowers where wizards of the coast used to get drunk,beat me, and tell me to go kill a mind flayer. They're unique approach to an old system leaves me feeling refreshed, and has restored my faith in all mankind. If paizo can save us from 4.0, maybe world peace is achievable, if you don't make the connection here, don't worry about it...Terrorist!
Tony Reviews Stuff- Video Games- Silent HIll 5
First of all, allow me to apologize for the delay, my internet has recently taken to super villainy and will allow me access at time that can only be described as randomly generated by complex chaos theories (he is a super villain) That being said, on with the review!
Silent HIll 5: Homecoming, came out a while ago, many of us missed it due to... I'm not sure, so I'll do what I often do and blame it all on.... The Communist....yeah....that fits. So for those of you asking yourself (and more importantly, asking me?) " how is the game?" I'm here to tell you.
Silent Hill is a video game horror survival series based around the town of (you guessed it) silent hill, and the unfortunate people who seem to have not played the previous games, because they inevitably find themselves walking into this lakeside community/ hell on earth. The series is famous for 3 things A) Compelling story that involves the ego, super ego, and id of man. B) Stunning visuals and C) Making you paranoid that at any moment reality is going to drip away leaving you in a dark version of everthing familiar where the safest thing to do is hope you really need that coat hanger you picked up in a tool shed (mostly because it had no earthly business being there, but then again, neither did the eyeless child with mouths on its nipples.) Silent Hill 5 carries on this legacy.
The long time play value of this admittedly short game come in the frequent save spots, every time you encounter one you must decide what is stronger, your overwhelming desire to unravel a masterful story, or to stop, go grab your blanket (you will never trust teddy bears again) and cradle back and forth while eying the shadows suspiciously. If you think that only a wimp would be scared by a video game, I laugh at you and your soon empty bowels.
Silent Hill 5 carries this tradition with a few short changes. The most important being the monsters. Silent Hill decided that the monsters should A) be smarter and more cunning and B) each indivdual monster should have the potential to end your meaningless human existence. The only problem here is this: you are a soldier in silent hill 5, in three, you played a teenage girl, a teenage girl who dispatches giant door monsters much easier that a trained murder machine, Whether this speaks poorly of out nations troops or highly of our mall rats, I'm not sure, but it is unusual. the monsters do manage to be far more horrifying than ever before, which trust me, is impressive, but the small cinematic before being introduced to each new monster takes away the abject terror of some monstrous collection of muscle mass charging at you from the darkness.
The story suffers from the new focus on combat, but is still incredibly compelling, and opens up the possibility that you don't have to actually be in silent hill for your entire world to turn into a terrible terrible nightmare that you are forced to live in.
To have Tony review things (pretty much anything) simply let me know what you want reviewed!
Silent HIll 5: Homecoming, came out a while ago, many of us missed it due to... I'm not sure, so I'll do what I often do and blame it all on.... The Communist....yeah....that fits. So for those of you asking yourself (and more importantly, asking me?) " how is the game?" I'm here to tell you.
Silent Hill is a video game horror survival series based around the town of (you guessed it) silent hill, and the unfortunate people who seem to have not played the previous games, because they inevitably find themselves walking into this lakeside community/ hell on earth. The series is famous for 3 things A) Compelling story that involves the ego, super ego, and id of man. B) Stunning visuals and C) Making you paranoid that at any moment reality is going to drip away leaving you in a dark version of everthing familiar where the safest thing to do is hope you really need that coat hanger you picked up in a tool shed (mostly because it had no earthly business being there, but then again, neither did the eyeless child with mouths on its nipples.) Silent Hill 5 carries on this legacy.
The long time play value of this admittedly short game come in the frequent save spots, every time you encounter one you must decide what is stronger, your overwhelming desire to unravel a masterful story, or to stop, go grab your blanket (you will never trust teddy bears again) and cradle back and forth while eying the shadows suspiciously. If you think that only a wimp would be scared by a video game, I laugh at you and your soon empty bowels.
Silent Hill 5 carries this tradition with a few short changes. The most important being the monsters. Silent Hill decided that the monsters should A) be smarter and more cunning and B) each indivdual monster should have the potential to end your meaningless human existence. The only problem here is this: you are a soldier in silent hill 5, in three, you played a teenage girl, a teenage girl who dispatches giant door monsters much easier that a trained murder machine, Whether this speaks poorly of out nations troops or highly of our mall rats, I'm not sure, but it is unusual. the monsters do manage to be far more horrifying than ever before, which trust me, is impressive, but the small cinematic before being introduced to each new monster takes away the abject terror of some monstrous collection of muscle mass charging at you from the darkness.
The story suffers from the new focus on combat, but is still incredibly compelling, and opens up the possibility that you don't have to actually be in silent hill for your entire world to turn into a terrible terrible nightmare that you are forced to live in.
To have Tony review things (pretty much anything) simply let me know what you want reviewed!
Tony Reviews Stuff- Manga- Ikigami
Dear Citizen: Thank you for your loyalty. You've no doubt noticed that the world is a troubled place. People are apathetic, lazy, unmotivated, You've probably asked yourself Why isn't anything being done to stop this systematic decline? Rest assured that measures are being taken. Beginning immediately, we will be randomly select a different citizen each day who will be killed within 24 hours of notification. We believe this will help will remind people how precious life is and how important it is to be a productive, active member of society Thank yyou for your continued attention and your corporation,, and participation...
These are the words on the back of the first volume of Ikigami, an incredible manga I recently picked up. The description is incredibly accurate of the series which takes place in a society where each citizen may find himself receiving an Ikigami, a death paper, delivered as close to 24 hours before death as possible, giving the soon to be deceased a chance to set his affairs straight. The manga focuses on the lives of those whom receive Ikigami, and on a particular deliverer of the Ikigami ( keep in mind over questioning this program is grounds for immediate death.)
More importantly though, its about human nature, and how people act, both the one who is dieing, and those around him, and the moral repercussion of telling people they have one day to live, repeatedly. The stories are often heartwarming, and often heart breaking but they will touch you. there's no magic, no robots, no vampires, just people, trying to cope with their own mortality, and morality.
These are the words on the back of the first volume of Ikigami, an incredible manga I recently picked up. The description is incredibly accurate of the series which takes place in a society where each citizen may find himself receiving an Ikigami, a death paper, delivered as close to 24 hours before death as possible, giving the soon to be deceased a chance to set his affairs straight. The manga focuses on the lives of those whom receive Ikigami, and on a particular deliverer of the Ikigami ( keep in mind over questioning this program is grounds for immediate death.)
More importantly though, its about human nature, and how people act, both the one who is dieing, and those around him, and the moral repercussion of telling people they have one day to live, repeatedly. The stories are often heartwarming, and often heart breaking but they will touch you. there's no magic, no robots, no vampires, just people, trying to cope with their own mortality, and morality.
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